Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am one with the molecules
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
