Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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