bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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