she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
