hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
