Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
