If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
