I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
