im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Bring me that man meat
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
