please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's rum buckets o'clock
my liver is dry heaving
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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