I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
