after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
