Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Randomize