my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
