i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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