I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
