Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
