I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
