i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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