I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just pynch a tree in the face
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
