i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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