if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
