Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
