I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
