Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
