I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
