even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
