I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize