All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
