Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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