If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
