I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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