My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
