I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
