Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
