i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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