it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
