Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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