I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
