you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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