So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
