Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
ok first of all what the fuck
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
