thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize