You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
