I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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