I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
