i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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