The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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