i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
