Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
