I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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