if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
