i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
