You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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