I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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