i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
