I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
