i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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