How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
