fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
