dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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