She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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