I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
